I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize