allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
