I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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