$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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