My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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