The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
