Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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