The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
