literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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