My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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