Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize