Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
