I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
