We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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