im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
