you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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