I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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