thus making me awesome and them whores
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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