Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
