How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
