i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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