shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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