I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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