DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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