dude i'm inner monologue high
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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