it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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