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jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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