He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
