i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
