I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
