i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize