I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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