yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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