Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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