I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
