Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
