Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
