Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
