You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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