I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
