Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
