i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
