"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Someone shattered a urinal.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
