So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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