He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
