So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
