I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
