She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
