The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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