she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
not ubering you a puppy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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