Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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