My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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