This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
my liver is dry heaving
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
