I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
