omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
