I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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