Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
