i just wanna soil my oats bro
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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