I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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