so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
