i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
