I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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